These Small Hours
by rain stormraider
Summary: Life with or without Derek went on. Casey McDonald had learnt to deal with the disappointments and life’s little tragedies, but she never thought coming home would mean dealing with Derek’s too. Explicit content included. Implied DASEY.
1. The Song Beneath The Song

**Chapter One: **The Song Beneath The Song

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything, just playing.

**Author's Note:** My first Life With Derek fan-fiction. Love the angst-ridden, forbidden vibe so couldn't resist.

**Summary:** Life with or without Derek went on. Casey McDonald had learnt to deal with the disappointments and life's little tragedies, but she never thought coming home would mean dealing with Derek's too.

* * *

**Prompt:**

Cryptic words meander  
Now there is a song beneath the song  
One day you'll learn  
You'll soon discern its true meaning  
An interesting detachment  
A listless poem of love sincere  
Desire, despair  
Overlapping melodies

_~ The Song Beneath The Song by Maria Taylor_

* * *

There are three things in life Casey McDonald would never admit to. The first one being that she didn't really know how to turn her brain off at times. Secondly, that she truly appreciated George more than she ever did her own father. And lastly, that she may have once been in love with her step-brother Derek Venturi. Casey could go on with her life safe in the knowledge that these three truths would always remain hidden deep within her just the way she liked it. So when she finally returned to London after a decade-long hiatus to attend Lizzie's engagement, there were no visible signs that she had ever suffered any heartbreak or sorrow at the fact that this return would write the last chapter for what was once a forbidden romance.

Casey was happy, complete in the realization that there was no way around the fact that she had moved on and up, she was relieved. The instant she stepped back into the house she'd once called home, she felt a sense of peace settle over her. For the last seven months she'd been mostly living on an off-shore oil rig and now she was finally back on solid ground.

First in line to greet her was Marti, now all grown up and ready to take on the world. The hug was tight and decidedly long, but then again Marti had always been Casey's favourite Venturi. Then she was embraced by Nora, Lizzie, George, and Edwin until she was finally before him. There was no drama there and without preamble she hugged Derek even while he stood stock still, his body rigid with tension. Realizing that she may have shocked him into silence she looked up into his eyes and smiled. And that's when she noticed his fiancée next to him out of the corner of her eye.

The years had been very kind to Sally. She looked young, fresh and healthy, glowing from the effect of loving and being loved in return. Casey didn't hesitate in embracing her future step-sister-in-law, after all none of this was really Sally's fault. In return, Sally held her tightly; they'd been friends before she'd left for Vancouver even if they'd never kept in touch.

And then chaos reigned supreme.

Lizzie re-introduced Casey to Jamie while Edwin introduced her to his new Porsche. And after that it was like Casey was back in high school again. Emily came bursting through their front door carrying a giggling baby girl while Trevor followed her in holding onto a squirming tyke. By the time Sam walked in, everyone was talking over each other and catching up. Only Derek noticed Casey break out into a huge smile as she hugged Sam tight and held on long after she should have let go. He watched as Sam whispered something into her ear and he watched as she drew back to stare him in the eye. Derek continued watching as Casey blushed and Sam brushed his lips against her cheek.

Sally must have noticed how Derek's body had tensed and as she turned to see what had brought on this reaction, she also became absorbed in the way Casey parted from Sam but still reached out for his hand as she led him slowly through the house and into the kitchen. Sam had greeted Derek as he passed him by but something still didn't add up right. Because as soon as Emily saw Sam and Casey head into the kitchen, she left the baby with Lizzie, grabbed Trevor's hand and leaving Marty to chase after their son, proceeded into the kitchen. Derek got up off the couch and made it into the kitchen in time to overhear an intense argument going on between Sam and Emily.

"He is still my friend, Em!"

"Do I look like I care, Sam? This is not about him. This is about you. How long are you going to mope around about this? You need to suck it up and stop screwing around. Partying up with Sheldon and thinking that you can go on living like this is not going to bring her back!"

At this statement, Sam turned to Casey with accusing eyes. Casey backed away from the look of betrayal and raised her hands in mock defence. "C'mon Sam! It's not like no one had already guessed. You're just wasting away here in Loser-Town and you thought I wouldn't call in reinforcements?"

"That's great, Case! Just super! None of us ever ambushed you like this! There was never an intervention when it came to your stupid antics! When you were lying passed out in a ditch somewhere, I was the one who had to sober your ass up and I never held that against you! But now it's all about how I'm screwing up? That's fan-fucking-tastic, Case!"

"Sam!" Emily's eyes darted back toward the living room and saw Derek leaning in the doorway. She straightened up abruptly and nodded her head toward Casey. Everyone got the picture real quick, even Sam who Derek had ever seen that upset. Automatically, everyone plastered fake smiles on their faces and Trevor turned to Derek to talk about the new season. Derek was only momentarily distracted but was still able to eavesdrop on Casey, Sam and Emily's heated whispers.

"I'm not calling her! If it's so fucking important, you do it!"

"Sam!"

"What the fuck, Emily? This is not something you can meddle in."

"Sam."

"And you, Casey? You haven't been in even one normal, steady relationship in the last five years. That doesn't even take your dysfunctions into account. You're still in fucking mourning and you go around wearing that like a badge of honour! Do you remember what Derek used to be like? That's you now. You really are his sister for sure, cos atleast even he had class. But you? We've all seen the way you get around, how many people have you slept with at last count? Five hundred, six, seven, one thousand? Yeah, that sounds about right."

And then the slap across Sam's face silenced everything.

"You don't get to judge me or how I live my life. You can call me a slut; you can call me a whore but atleast I'm out there living. You're not. You gave up. I didn't. So what if my idea of a good time is sleeping with a random from a bar? So what? It sure beats lying around here bitching and moaning about how Parker left your sorry ass. You're the one who wouldn't fight for her. You made this mess. And just so we're completely clear, you don't have to fix things for me. I never asked you to. Not even once. You chased me down in Rome. You did that. I was happy. I am happy. And then you come around every time expecting me to fall apart just so you can be the fucking hero. That's all on you Sam, all on you!"

With that Casey whirled around and angrily escaped to her bedroom upstairs.

"Everything alright in here?" Nora asked, cautiously entering the kitchen.

Emily quickly covered, "Oh yes, just a slight misunderstanding. You remember how volatile Sam and Casey were, right?"

"Sam and Casey? I thought maybe Derek and Casey were at it again." Nora was quite taken aback; this was a development she'd never been aware of. But then again Casey hadn't exactly been very forthcoming with anything since she'd first left for university.

It was as if the moment Casey left London she became a stranger. Her only contact with home ever since had been monthly phone calls, irregular emails, and cards on holidays. Nora hadn't even known Casey, Emily and Sam were still friends until two months ago when she'd called to ask for them to be invited to Lizzie's engagement party.

Sam nodded his head once to Nora and then slipped out of the kitchen.

Emily looked to her husband who seemed to take the hint and chased after him.


	2. Heartless

**Chapter Two: **Heartless

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything, just playing.

**Author's Note:** My first Life With Derek fan-fiction. Love the angst-ridden, forbidden vibe so couldn't resist.

**Summary:** Life with or without Derek went on. Casey McDonald had learnt to deal with the disappointments and life's little tragedies, but she never thought coming home would mean dealing with Derek's too.

* * *

**Prompt:**

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told

Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul

To a woman so heartless

How could you be so heartless?

_~ Heartless by Kanye West_

* * *

Emily turned to smile at Derek as Sally entered the kitchen. "I'm so happy to see both of you. Congratulations on the engagement! So when's the wedding?"

Sally looked toward Derek before continuing, "Actually, we're thinking of having it sooner rather than later, maybe even before the summer ends."

"Wow! That's quick."

"It's one of the reasons we decided to extend our stay here."

"Really? Have you spoken to George yet?" Nora asked Derek with interest.

"I was hoping not to steal the limelight from Lizzie, so we thought we'd discuss it with you and Dad after the engagement party."

Nora smiled at Derek before walking up to him and hugging him. "That's so great Derek, I'm so happy for you."

Whatever Derek wanted to say was cut off by Casey's return to the kitchen. "Hey, I'm gonna jet. I have somewhere to be."

"Casey, you just got home, hon. I thought we'd do dinner together tonight." Nora looked a little hurt.

"Yeah, sorry about that Mom, I just need to get out. I'll be back in a little while."

"Okay, I guess." Nora walked back to the living room to let George know.

"Casey, don't go like this," Emily pled.

"Em, I gotta go."

"Case, you know this is not the way to show him that he can't hurt you."

"Emily, not now okay." Casey motioned meaningfully toward Derek and Sally.

But Emily wouldn't have any of it. Whenever Sam pissed her off, Casey would go out and try to show him up somehow. That had always been their pattern; it seemed amazing to Emily how they even managed to stay friends when all they did was keep pushing each others' buttons.

"Case, he's with Trevor. He'll come back and apologize."

"You don't get it, do you Emily? It's not about my stinking asshole of a best friend who doesn't have the balls to ask Parker to marry him. It's simply about the fact that I fucking hate London, always have always will, and the only way I'm gonna survive this fucking joyous family reunion is if I'm thoroughly wasted. So can you hold off on making excuses for that jackass and let me go out and fuck random people, please? Cos I'm not pissed or mad or anything, I would just like to get drunk and laid tonight. Is that still allowed?"

"Don't be a smartass."

"I'm not. I just want to be buzzed and Sam being the wet blanket he is will come and drag me back, so I want to be gone before he realizes what I'm up to."

"Will you be safe?"

"Aren't I always?"

"Yeah, fine. What do you want me to tell him?"

"I'm with Noel."

Emily snorted, "Like he'll believe that."

"I'm with Max?"

"Fine, just go. I'll cover for you."

"You're a lifesaver." And then the backdoor swung shut and a minute later they heard her Jeep's engine turn over before it pealed out.

"She's not the way I remember her." Sally couldn't think of what else to say.

"Tell me about it."

"What do you mean, Emily?" Sally couldn't help herself.

"I guess we all thought she'd go back to the girl she used to be."

"Why? What happened? You can tell us." Sally was intrigued.

"Well, it's just a long complicated story." When Sally leaned toward her and both Derek and her face showed such peaked curiosity, Emily just couldn't help herself. "After senior year, the summer before university started, Casey met someone. She didn't tell anyone but we all saw the signs. I think she fell in love. Sam doesn't think so, Noel won't talk about it and Max likes to gloss it over. But Trev and I, we knew something happened. It had to have happened because once the term started, Casey changed completely.

"During the first semester at St George, she'd never go to class, she was always busy with someone, and she never kept in touch. She finally called Noel sometime in November and that's when we found out that she'd had a miscarriage. It was awful, I couldn't do anything, Max couldn't do anything, Amy couldn't do anything; none of us could. She was in Toronto, I was in Waterloo. It was Noel who helped her through everything, he convinced her to transfer and she did. She switched programs, reapplied, worked like a dog and came to the University of Waterloo, and we all thought that we could fix her. Noel and Casey and Sam became inseparable. I mean they were all at the same university and Noel and Casey were both in the same program and everything.

"By that time you'd been recruited by the Canucks, remember Derek? Plus, I don't think you had any idea what she was up to any way. Even when you were both still at St George, I doubt you guys ever hung out or anything. So I don't expect you to know any of this. I mean none of us really knew any of the details until much later.

"We found out that while Casey was in Toronto that summer before university for ballet, she fell in love. The guy, he was going to start at the University of Toronto too, so things took off from there. Then she got pregnant once they were at school and they broke up because of it. When they decided to get back together, she had the miscarriage. She suffered from depression and he wasn't much help. Noel became her lifeline because he apparently knew the whole story and he convinced her to switch schools. Then she met Zach, her soul mate. Honestly, we all thought it was true love. They were together for four years until he died in the car accident. I'm sure you know all about, right?"

"What car accident?" Lizzie asked. The whole family had entered the kitchen at some point during Emily recounting Casey's history.

Emily felt uncomfortable and awkward, as if she'd revealed some deep dark secret she shouldn't have. "You didn't know about the accident? Really?"

When Nora shook her head, Emily swallowed visibly and paled.

"When?" Derek asked tensely.

"It happened while they were down in the States visiting Zach's family in Vail. It was pretty bad. He died on impact and Casey had to be rushed to the hospital. She lost the baby."

"Oh my God!" Lizzie leaned heavily against the counter as Jamie rubbed her back soothingly. Derek looked like he was going to puke while Nora looked like she was only standing because George and Edwin were holding her up.

"You shouldn't have told them like this, Em." Everyone turned at Sam's quiet reproach.

"I thought they knew. I thought I was just telling Sally."

"She doesn't need to know. None of them do. Its Casey's right to tell, not ours'."

Emily looked to Trevor who turned to Nora, "I think we're going to go now."

"You're not staying for dinner?" Marty had come in with the kids.

"No, I don't think so. Thanks for the invite though."

"Oh, okay." Then Marty looked around at all the pale faces. "Did someone die? Why do you all look so upset?"

Sam looked down fondly at Marty, "Its nothing. I'm gonna go, too. It was nice seeing all of you again."

Trevor and Sam quickly ushered Emily and the kids out, but not before Edwin asked, "Is she okay now?"

Emily and Trevor looked to Sam for the answer. "She's better than ever. We all thought she was in denial for a while but she's a lot stronger than any of us ever gave her credit for. It's the reason why she does some of the things she does. She coped better with it than any of us ever did. She's happy so I guess that means she's doing good."

Marty watched in confusion as they turned and left. George led Nora back to the living room and onto the couch. Jamie sat Lizzie down on the kitchen table. Derek straightened quickly, kissed Sally on the cheek and abruptly fled out the backdoor. They heard a car back out of the driveway.


	3. Oh My God

**Chapter Three: **Oh My God

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything, just playing.

**Author's Note:** My first Life With Derek fan-fiction. Love the angst-ridden, forbidden vibe so couldn't resist.

**Summary:** Life with or without Derek went on. Casey McDonald had learnt to deal with the disappointments and life's little tragedies, but she never thought coming home would mean dealing with Derek's too.

* * *

**Prompt:**

Find a cure  
find a cure for my life  
Put a price  
put a price on my soul  
Build a wall  
build a fortress around my heart  
Oh my god  
oh you think I'm in control  
Oh my god  
oh you think it's all for fun  
Is this fun for you?

_~ Oh My God by Ida Maria_

* * *

Dinner was had in silence. Derek returned as they were clearing the table. Sally could smell the alcohol on him, but one look into his eyes as he leaned down to kiss her, showed that he was sober.

"Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"I was at a bar, it was loud. I needed time to think."

Sally smiled at him, he hugged her. They joined the family in the living room. The mood was anything but festive now. Just as George yawned, the front door opened and Casey stumbled in. She reeked of beer and tequila.

"Hi all, I thought you'd be asleep." She was clearly not sober. Her eyes were glassy, her shirt was inside out and the top button of her pants was undone.

When they stared at her in shocked silence, she shrugged and went to task on slipping her heels off. She tripped but landed safely on the staircase as if she'd meant to sit on the first step all along. She watched them for a few moments before she shook herself out of her stupor and using the rails of the staircase, proceeded to stand up. Her shirt rose on her stomach as she did and Marty couldn't help herself when she blurted out, "Is that a tattoo?"

Casey grinned dizzily as she nodded her head. "Yep, got it when I first joined the Century Club."

"The Century Club?"

"Casey!" Nora exclaimed. "Go upstairs and sleep it off."

There was still enough of a parental tone in Nora's voice that Casey complied immediately. Marty turned to Derek.

"Smarti, it's just a stupid ritual that morons take part in to prove how tough they are. Not really interesting at all."

"Says the guy who joined the club at seventeen." Lizzie smirked.

"Lizzie!" Nora turned to her younger daughter. "All of you get to bed!"

No one said a word in protest as they all trudged up to their respective beds.

* * *

Casey didn't do hangovers and they didn't do her. At a very early stage in her long drinking career she'd met with a hangover, had dinner, even desert, and then had given it the kiss of death by not succumbing to its charms. Casey McDonald could drink like a fish, drink till the sun came up, drink till she was under the table and on the floor but the next day she'd be up bright and early ready to begin another day and end it the same way. Sam had hated her for it, so had Max. They still resented her for having this superpower. Noel didn't, because he had never resented Casey for any reason. Noel hadn't resented her when he'd been crushing on her, he hadn't resented her when she'd fallen for someone else, he hadn't resented her when he was firmly put in the friend category or even when she'd shown up completely wasted the one time they'd gone on a platonic date to his cousin's wedding where each and every member of his family were present. Noel had been Casey's rock for the last ten years and he'd never once let her down. It was one of the reasons why she'd returned to London.

In three weeks Noels was getting married, and his one wish had been that Casey be the maid of honour. Ofcourse, there really had been no argument there since Noel was marrying her college roommate and best friend, Palmer. It was odd that after all was said and done; the one constant in her life had been a boy she'd never had anything other than platonic feelings for. No other man, not even Zach had known her the way Noel did and she doubted anyone ever would. He'd seen her at her best and at her worst, and through it all he'd been there for her even when he didn't have to. It was the reason why the first thing she thought of as she awoke once more in London, in a house she'd once called home, was to call Noel and tell him she fucking hated his mind games.

Noel Covington was an asshole. Casey had thought of him as such the minute he'd said he wouldn't marry Palmer unless it was in London. Palmer hadn't minded since most of her family was already spread around Southern Ontario and London seemed like a central location. Noel and Palmer lived in London too, so that helped in the decision-making process. But Casey still thought he was an asshole. She knew Noel Covington pretty well. She'd seen all his sides and none did she hate more than when he was trying to prove a point using 'good intentions' as his excuse.

For years Noel had tried to convince Casey to return to London. He'd threatened, he'd blackmailed, he'd cajoled, he'd whined, he'd even been a manipulative asshole to achieve that end, but not once in the last ten years had he been successful. Until now, only the idea of missing her sister's engagement and his wedding had convinced her to return. After all, he'd been the one to put the idea of an engagement party in Lizzie's head. It was a seed that took root when he'd nurtured the idea by ensuring that the date of her engagement party was as near his wedding as possible. It gave him all the advantage he needed to convince Casey to return.

As Casey padded into the washroom to shower away the smell of that random stranger in that dinghy bar she'd fucked with last night, she imagined the ways in which she'd exact revenge on Noel. She really hadn't wanted to come home. She'd have preferred staying in a hotel, she'd have preferred sleeping on the couch, hell she'd even have preferred living in her car than having to share the house with the people who'd once been her entire world.

It wasn't that Casey had outgrown her family, that wasn't it at all. It was the fact that there was a familiar ache in her heart when she was with them. Her blood thrummed at the idea of home, and she just didn't like the feeling at all. Casey had prided herself on living a Spartan life. She lived out of suitcases and on the move, with only a P.O. Box serving as a permanent address and a storage container that had everything she'd ever owned. Casey had never had a place of her own; she didn't need to because she never had the time.

Max had this theory that Sam and he had cooked up one night out of the thousands others when they'd all been piss drunk, sitting out on Sam's family boat, and philosophising about sports. Amy had been the mastermind but Max claimed ownership. Casey had been sober enough to remember most of that night especially because the nights where she was slightly less than tipsy were the ones that were categorized as "Make Fun of Tragedy Chick" time. His theory was quite simple: Casey was Lola, always on the run. Max claimed she ran from love, Sam claimed she ran from emotions, and Amy's contribution: Casey ran from anything that might invite her to think too hard about the choices she'd made and wonder too much about the what ifs. Casey knew if she was a stronger girl she would start screening her calls, dump these loser friends and just stick to Noel, Palmer and Parker. But sadly, she wasn't. Casey loved them despite their constant bash-fests. She loved them despite the fact that they kept pushing her to talk, or kept pushing her to date or kept pushing her in general. What could she say? She was a pushover with pushy friends.

Max was partly right. Casey was on the run, but she just didn't know what from. Sometimes she thought it was love, she really did. After the epic tragedies with Derek and Zach, she thought she could take it a little easy and then eventually get back in the saddle again, except the saddle turned out to be on a horse that really just wanted her to stay off. She didn't try to shut herself off from romance, she really did want to feel something, but sometimes what she really ended up wanting was a quick fuck and then a quicker exit.

Casey wasn't afraid of love, she knew that after Derek. He'd been an epic love story for her. All forbidden fruit and exhilarating and passionate and very memorable; he'd been incredible. Then Zach had come along and he'd been like fitting that missing piece of the puzzle, the music soared in her, life bloomed in her, and joy washed over everything in her world. But after it was all said and done, she was tired and weary. Both these loves had taken everything out of her. She felt as if she'd lived many lifetimes rather than just one.

Noel got it ofcourse, which is why, while the others gently disapproved of her current lifestyle and choices, he just shrugged and said the words that cemented their bond. In the one fight Noel had with Sam, he'd said those magic words, "If Casey had been a guy you'd be encouraging her and using her as your wingman. The only reason any of you have ever objected is because she should be acting like a heartbroken little prude. If anything has been proven over all these years it's been this: everyone evolves. Maybe this is Casey growing and you're all just too stupid to see it."

Casey remembered that night quite well because that was the night she kissed Noel firmly on the lips and claimed that she was his willing slave for the rest of the week. It was ofcourse a stupid thing to do in hindsight, because he greatly abused that privilege by making her clean his entire house, even the washrooms as well as Sam's cottage and Max's condo. It was his idea of a peace offering to them since that night had also ended in a fist fight where Noel received a black eye, Sam received a sprained wrist and Max suffered a mild concussion. Casey was pretty sure that the last one was courtesy of a misdirected elbow that belonged to her.


End file.
